How the Universe really began...

Before time, space and matter, there was the infinite nameless one..

CREATE TABLE TheInfiniteOne(Name VARCHAR(?) PRIMARY KEY, CHECK COUNT(*) = 1)

INSERT TheInfiniteOne (Name) VALUES ('Nameless')

It was an impossible relation of course because time did not exist.  So he created time.

He knew that sooner or later “others” would want to know him so he created several views of himself

CREATE VIEW Christianity AS SELECT 'God' FROM TheInfiniteOne
CREATE VIEW Muslim AS SELECT 'Allah' FROM TheInfiniteOne
CREATE VIEW Buddism AS SELECT 'Buddha' FROM TheInfiniteOne
ETC...

As the views compiled , he realised that something was wrong. How can we distinguish between negative infinity and positive infinity?  It was decided that something needed to be created to give time a companion.

CREATE TABLE Matter (Name VARCHAR(?) PRIMARY KEY, Quantity MASSIVEINT)

The discussion began in earnest of what matter there should be...

Allah: Quarks?
God: Neutrons?
Buddha: Protons?
Nameless:  Those are all good starting points.. Load 'em up!

INSERT Matter (Name, Quantity) SELECT 'Quarks', ? UNION ALL SELECT 'Neutrons', ? UNION ALL SELECT 'Protons', ?

“Now what?“ the views asked. “Surely something should have happened by now?“ 
But it didn't.  Infinite density within the singularity could not be changed.

Buddha:  What about “nothing“?
“What?“ the other views cried?
Buddha: You know... nothing..
“No we don't know!  We are all that is!  There is no such thing as nothing.

Nameless: Careful Buddha!

Buddha: Look, I'll show you...INSERT Matter (Name, Quantity) VALUES (NULL,1)

CONSTRAINT VIOLATION, SINGULARITY DISRUPTED

Apologies for the gender bias..

Print | posted on Monday, July 04, 2005 3:41 PM

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# re: How the Universe really began...

left by rockmoose / Claes Welander at 7/5/2005 10:44 AM Gravatar
Pretty good.
I think it was:
INSERT TheInfiniteOne (Name) VALUES ('Ego')
[red]CONSTRAINT VIOLATION, DUPLICATE REALITY VIOLATION[/red]
Then hell broke loose...

# re: How the Universe really began...

left by tim at 7/6/2005 1:00 PM Gravatar
just a nit

for consistency, either:

the muslim view should be changed to islam
-OR-
the christianity view should be changed to christian and the buddhism view should be changed to buddhist.

I am sure Celko would agree with this, as he seems particular about use of singular & plural in naming conventions.

# re: How the Universe really began...

left by Brett Kaiser at 7/7/2005 12:02 AM Gravatar
That's great....got a lot of free time? Or just a singular wit?

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