On one of the forums at SQLTeam.com, a “development manager“ claims they have found a database engine that supports the following:
1. Zero or near zero administration
2. One physical file for the database
3. Simple recovery procedures
4. Physical file protection while at rest and in transit
5. Acceptable performance
7. Small footprint
8. SQL engine that typically eliminates the need for a DBA.
9. SQL engine with one app supporting 50,000 connections to the database
10. The database is large (in the tetrabytes). --ummmm, okey-dokey. What's a tetrabyte? Will it catch falling blocks and rearrange them in mid-air also?
11. The database has an overall performance of around 30 times faster than engines such as MSSQL and Oracle. --WOW!!!!!!
12. The best of all is that many of these SQL engines run on Linux, Unix, VMS and Windows platforms, giving clients a choice. --blah,blah,blah
If anyone has ran across a database platform that supports the above “features”, please let me know ASAP. I would like to start using it immediately. (grin)
BTW, this "mistress of lies" works for www.eduadmin.com. Please feel free to visit the website and see screens of the wonderful application this intense development house creates requiring the magnificent database described above. She states she has been developing for over 30 years. What a wealth of incredibly useful lore.
Does this look like a terabyte size, high performance, super-duper, high-security database system to you? I think we can cry wolf on this one. If you do find any databases that meet the above specifications though, please let me know. I look forward to the hundreds of responses from vendors. (cough, cough)
Stupid people shouldn't lie. They are too stupid to make it coherent and believable.
Favorite words used: 8 (stupid, lie, coherent, super-duper, blah, WOW, okey-dokey, lore)
Mean level (1-10): 10 (Stupid people should be branded on their foreheads.)
Education level (1-10): 1 (It's possible someone learned something from this. The thousands of replies from vendors could exponentially increase level.)
Entertainment level (1-10): 6 (This is mildly entertaining if you have had to repeatedly endure those Dilbert moments at work.)
Respectfully and lovingly yours,