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Welcome to my weblog. My name is Jeff Smith, I am software developer in Boston, MA and I was recently named a 2009 SQL Server MVP. Check in frequently for tips, tricks, commentary and ideas on SQL Server and .NET programming.


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Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

By an anonymous SQL user (a guest blogger)

1.  SQL is too complicated!

When I have multiple values in my columns, like "JAN,FEB,MAR" or “15,84,22” , SQL Server just doesn't get it.  It's almost impossible to write SQL statements on tables like that!  If I can manage to get any data out at all, it ends up being a 500 line SELECT statement!!  What is up with that?   And it also takes an act of God to successfully delete a value from those lists.  Why does MS make things so complicated?

2. Datatype conversions!

What is the deal with data types?  I just use VARCHAR for everything, since that's the only way to avoid stupid error messages when I add data to my tables.  Works great, until I want to get the month of a date or add two numbers -- stupid SQL Server makes me convert() the value first.  How dumb is that?   SQL doesn't know how to add "12" and "5" -- it thinks it's "125" !!!!  To make things even worse, SQL Server gives me errors half the time saying it CAN'T convert!  Uh, you are a computer; you should be able to figure this stuff out.

3.  Uh .... Formatting?

We've all been there:  You want to right-justify a column in your SELECT -- it cannot be done without jumping through hoops!  Never mind centering, indenting, page numbers, or things like that.  Also, it is really a pain to format dates or round numbers just the way I want.  I can barely write a decent looking report using Query Analyzer, it looks like old MS-DOS text files!  Maybe it's time to move into the 21st century with some support for graphics, colors and fonts, huh Microsoft?

4. Sorting is broken!

Half the time my records come back OUT OF ORDER! That’s right, not sorted by anything!  It's a mess.  SQL Server should understand that things should be sorted by lastname/firstname or by date without me having to tell it!  This is supposed to be a smart computer, right?  My users really hate this, because it’s hard to find stuff on their reports.  When they complain, I just tell them, “Hey, maybe if you weren’t so cheap and we had Oracle we wouldn’t have to deal with this Microsoft ‘feature’! ”

To make things even worse, when I do try to sort, SQL Server thinks that “December” comes before “January”, or that “10” is less than “2”! Uh, Mr. Gates, no wonder you never release your products on schedule, you guys have no concept of how a calendar works!

5.  The IN() operator never works!

This one drives me nuts.  Using IN (@Var) never works right!  I never get back what I want, even though @Var clearly has a nice list of ID’s in it.  And you don't even get an error message!

6.  Foreign Keys Constraints !

For some reason, in SQL you can only update or add rows to 1 table at a time!  I can do my usual FULL OUTER JOINs with 800 tables together and go nuts with SELECTs all day long, but how about providing that feature for UPDATES and INSERTS!?  Otherwise, how can I have referential integrity?   If table A needs a matching row in table B, then how the heck do I get them in there at the exact same time?  This seems pretty silly to me. 

7.  Primary Keys don't work!

This drives me nuts.  I have an identity primary key called "ID" on every table, but I still get duplicate data!   I must have 20 different entries for Vermont in my “tblStatesTable” table!  What's the point of primary keys, then?   I hope the next service release fixes this.

8.  S-Q-L is S-L-O-W !!!

What is the deal with how slow SQL is?  For example, to find all of the data for January in my table, I use

WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE '%JAN%'

Pretty standard stuff.  But it takes FOREVER!  And the column is indexed!! Hey, Micro-slow, the index is supposed to make things FASTER you know!

9.  Cryptic Error Messages!

So, I try to add data to my table and I get this back:

INSERT statement conflicted with COLUMN FOREIGN KEY constraint 'FK_Order_Details_Orders'. The conflict occurred in database 'Northwind', table 'Orders', column 'OrderID'.  The statement has been terminated.

Or I try to write a simple GROUP BY and get:

Column 'orders.OrderID' is invalid in the select list because it is not contained in either an aggregate function or the GROUP BY clause.

Or sometimes I build some cool dynamic SQL strings, but they don't seem to work and I get:

You are not allowed to truncate the system table 'master..sysobjects'.

Hello? How about some details about what went wrong, not just cryptic mumbo-jumbo that's too long to read.  Hey, Bill Gates, how about spending some of your $$$ making sure SQL Server is bug-free and doesn't generate all these nonsense error messages!   Who has time to interpret all this crap?

10.  Table and Column referencing!

This one is crazy. OK, we have smart computers, right?  And we have things called variables, right?  We can store anything in these variables, even column and table names.  But this never works:

Select @TableName.@ColumnName from @TableName

Makes sense to you, makes sense to me, I don't know why SQL Server cannot figure it out!  How can I get data from 'tblCustomerNumber0121' versus 'tblCustomerNumber0122', or get data for column 'Jan2005', if I cannot use variables here!?  These things must be hard-coded!?   How the heck am I supposed to write reports with user parameters when I am limited to pre-defined table and column names!?  Come on, Micro-stupid, how about some REAL programming features in T-SQL like FULL support for variables!

It's also a real pain to add new data to tables.  INSERT? That never works!  INSERT can't even add a new column to my tables!  How am I supposed to add data for a new month when I don't have that column yet?  Maybe SQL Server 2005 will finally address this.

 ...

(Note from Jeff:  All comments are welcome, but please be sure to read some of the other comments before posting ... thanks!  It also might help to read this as well.)

see also:

Print | posted on Tuesday, May 24, 2005 1:27 PM | Filed Under [ Humor ]

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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Hilarious!
5/24/2005 2:49 PM | Benoli
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Huh, damned XP clock is off again.
5/24/2005 7:08 PM | Bill Curnow
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

That's great...got some down time at the orifice?

5/25/2005 10:46 AM | Brett (Not just a Number...huh?)
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

:bookmarked:

;o)
5/25/2005 12:20 PM | rudy
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# [Quite OT] ODIO SQL Server perch

Il pensiero di un utente di SQL Server che si lamenta di alcune
5/25/2005 1:15 PM | .NET Tools Blog
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# [Quite OT] ODIO SQL Server perch

Il pensiero di un utente di SQL Server che si lamenta di alcune
5/25/2005 1:15 PM | .NET Tools Blog
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

You forgot to mention how difficult it is to change the colors on Enterprise Manager.

LOL
5/25/2005 2:36 PM | CurtisK
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Nice!

I was just at a meeting last week where I was talking to a "user-interface expert" who told me he was also quite the database guy.

Slight paraphrase: "SQL Server is really not a good database [sic]. It has a really bad UI."

*groan*

5/25/2005 3:06 PM | Adam Machanic
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Wow. I think you need to learn about SQL.

SQL Server isn't a UI, it isn't a reporting system, it's a database. The other stuff you do elsewhere.

By the way - things come back unsorted by default on purpose. That's part of conforming to an ANSI SQL sytem - study up on relational theory and you'll see why. They do have this handy statement called ORDER BY that allows you to sort things any way you like.
5/26/2005 7:55 AM | Buck Woody
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Woody -- try re-reading the post again. Are the UI and sorting points the only ones you disagree with? I hope not!

I did realize when I posted this the posibility that people wouldn't get the joke ... I guess I was too subtle. :)
5/26/2005 10:39 AM | Jeff S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Woody:

SQL is not SQL Server. SQL is a language.

SQL Server is not a database. It's a DBMS (database management system).

And results of queries without an ORDER BY clause are not returned unsorted "on purpose." It's not as though the server randomizes the output. The results are unsorted simply because they happen to not be sorted.
5/26/2005 12:09 PM | Adam Machanic
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

You got me - I didn't catch that it's tongue in cheek. I take all that back!

Oh, and to Adam - I never said SQL was SQL Server. And also the part about the sorting is in fact on purpose. The orignal concept for SQL was that the sort order on a column was "not guaranteed". That isn't to say that it is mixed up, just that there is no sort. You're correct in stating that it is retrieved in the order it happens to be stored at the moment. The only time this isn't true is when a clustered index is used, which of course then physcially stores the data as the index states, since it is the index.

A good read - maybe next time I'll turn on my sense of humor when I read!
5/27/2005 3:00 PM | Buck Woody
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Oh man... I thought this was the funniest thing I'd ever read until I caught on... now it's even funnier! Awesome.
6/6/2005 12:31 PM | Brandon
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL smarty what's a resonable reasons to hate SQL Server, listen to my dont waste your money on oracle or any other DBMS, i think thousands of papers and a pen will be much usefull for you
6/9/2005 6:02 AM | Mohamed Hasan
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Im amazed that no one has yet commented the fact that MYSQL or Microsof Access is such a better product and does in fact do all of the things which Jeff does not like about SQL ;)

v. funny, we are all laughin!
6/15/2005 8:29 AM | Beserker
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I recently started work with sql server, and I totally agree with you. I aleady hate sql server.
6/16/2005 3:06 PM | Nobuo
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Oh my god what a idiot
6/20/2005 4:25 AM | laughing
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

>>I recently started work with sql server, and I totally agree with you. I aleady hate sql server.

Nobuo -- before going too much further with SQL Server, you might want to spend some time in the SQL Team forums and pick up a few decent books on relational database theory.
6/21/2005 8:57 AM | Jeff
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I feel exactly the same way. I mean, don't get me wrong...I consider myself a preety smart loser but I totally agree when you say 'Its a computer! It should be able to figure it out.' Its insane how much time i spend on google looking crap up for sql! Anyway, I'm sure some swine out there is going to have something stupid to say about my post but I just wanted to add my 2 cents to this rant. SQL is stupid. Computers are dumb. Its 2005! We were promised flying cars by 2000. Lies.

PISTOLLA
7/2/2005 3:20 AM | Mooch
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

LOLS,
So far I haven't gone deep in SQL Server to findout ,
but I'm already hating it ..
7/4/2005 11:17 PM | Juvart
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Start using PL/SQL and you will love SQL Server. Flying cars, dumba$$!!!!
7/8/2005 9:16 AM | Dr. J
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I really liked the "Cryptic Error Messages" in my user app I have to maintain I started out taking a lot of time trying to create user as a people with high school education level of error messages, but no body reads the message. So know I make only the effort for smart people level of errors. The dumb people can't read I have decided.
Tim S
7/19/2005 11:07 AM | Tim S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I KNO WWHAAAT YOU MEAN!!! THANK U FORR YOUR POST!!

GOD ONEE THING I REAALY HATE ABOUT TEH SQL IS THAT IT DOESSN'T SUPPORT HTML CONTROLS --- I HATE TO HAVVE TO WRITE THESE "STORED PROCEDURES" (WHICH I HEAR AVRE *VERY SLOW) TO CREATE THE HTML FOR MY DROP DOWN LISTS

COOMMON MICRO$$$OFT!! MYSQL DOES THIS AND SO MUCH MORE. GOSH AND IT HAS SOOO MANY LESS "FOREIGN KEEY" ERRORS TOO.

CAAANT U STEEAL THEIR CODE LIKE YOU STOLE MAC OS X CODE TO MAKE WINDDOWS XP?? I NEED TO USE SQL SERVER CAUSE EVERY ONE LAUGHS AT ME WHEN I SAY I USE MYSQL.
7/22/2005 9:25 AM | Alex Papadimoulis
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I hate how SQL Server doesn't implement by made up version of SQL Ansi 92 that doesn't require a 500 line statement

I hate how SQL Server is somewhat type safe and protects me from ambigious stupid convertions that shouldn't be necessary in the first place

I hate how SQL Server a DBMS, is not a reporting tool like that super cool Access

I hate how SQL Server can't read my mind and determine what sorting order I prefer for each set

I hate how SQL Server doesn't let me write stupid code because I know nothing about set theory.

I hate how SQL Server doesn't fix my stupid design that uses surrogate keys like ID and vendor specific features like Identity. Even worse, I hate how SQL Server doesn't have a filter for stupid prefixes that help establish my entity is a table (tblIamStupid). What is next, tblIamStupid.IntMyID?

I hate how SQL Server doesn't let me write syntactically incorrect dynamic SQL which shouldn't have been written in the first place. I also hate, how if do something like "Select MyCol from @Table", it can't figure out ahead of time what @Table will be because it is a parameter which may change with every call...

I hate how that SQL Server doesn't implement my made up version of Ansi 92. I specially hate, why it can't figure out stupid SQL like "Select @TableName.@ColumnName from @TableName".

I really hate that I took the time to write this for a newb who will never understand any of this.
8/9/2005 5:52 PM | I Hate
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I hate how some people don't get the joke, and don't bother to read comments ......

: (

8/9/2005 6:13 PM | Jeff S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I read the first couple and I was starting to get upset, wondering what kind of moron...

Then, I read some more and I was HOPING that it was a joke.

Glad to get the full explanation in the comments.
9/8/2005 12:09 PM | Pete
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Hilarious! Especially the guys who took it seriously!
9/29/2005 5:13 PM | Mark S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Yes, SQL Server is much too hard. It doesn't even let you put dashes in table names?? That is why I upgraded to Access.
9/30/2005 5:09 PM | stu
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

great blog , bookmarked :)
10/24/2005 8:25 AM | igor
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

You seriously need to get out of the office more if you read this and thought it was serious Mr. "I Hate"!! Honestly!
11/30/2005 10:15 PM | Are you kidding???
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# Hating SQL Server - put into practice

12/6/2005 5:05 PM | kindohm.com
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# Hating SQL Server - put into practice

12/6/2005 5:06 PM | kindohm.com
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I dont agree .. I like SQL server .. Its too programmer friendly
12/15/2005 3:57 AM | vbcrat
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

You have no idea of how SQL Server works and you got the guts to criticise it. Playing with the Northwind database does not give you the enough knowledge to be able to critique a Microsoft product.

BUY SOME BOOKS and then start posting.
12/29/2005 11:45 AM | Bud you are a retard
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# Top 10 Revisited

12/29/2005 1:59 PM | Welcome to Jeff's Blog
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# Top 10 Revisited

12/29/2005 2:02 PM | Welcome to Jeff's Blog
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I agree. You might find that wordpad can be a effective database for what you are looking for. It doesn't have a very good API, but somehow, I don't think that you'll miss it.
1/8/2006 8:41 AM | Matt
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

please read the comments, guys!
1/12/2006 12:46 PM | Jeff S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Spatula!
1/17/2006 8:17 AM | Colin Hardie
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE '%JAN%'
takes forever because it is doing a table scan. The leading % in %Jan shuts off the use of the index. Try:
WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE 'JAN%' then the index will be used.

If you do not want Vermont in the table more than once then you need to either make the column it is in the primary key or make the "Vermont" column UNIQUE. The ID buys you nothing except the ability to join tables on integers which is much faster than joining on strings.

You could solve all you date sorting issues if you used the DATETIME datatype.

1/23/2006 12:14 AM | Bill M
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# Sounds like you want MySQL...

This list is uncannily reminiscent of the MySQL gotchas list http://sql-info.de/mysql/gotchas.html - many of these deviations from standard SQL being furiously defended by MySQL fans sounding rather like the purported author of this article...

For example, case sensitivity, or 'implicit primary key'...
1/24/2006 8:36 AM | Ed Avis
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I love this blog post...while reading it I figured it HAS to be a joke, judging by the "reasoning" behind what grinds your gears...LOL!

This is now bookmarked - hilarious! :)
1/24/2006 4:45 PM | Teej
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER


Have you ever used MS SQL Server :)
1/25/2006 8:14 AM | Jeronimo
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

lol..now the comments are turning out to be more hilarious than the original post.. :). good post jeff.. really enjoyed it.. you know where to tickle us ;)
1/31/2006 4:29 AM | pradeep_tp
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Come on guys! I don't hate SQL Server, because I don't use it! Hate is killing your brain cells - go find something else to love :)
2/1/2006 11:34 AM | danbi
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Great stuff, Jeff.
You write on some pretty esoteric subjects, so I surprised there are so many morons reading your blog; I figure they'd be weeded out by the level of intgelligence of the content.
*sigh*
2/4/2006 8:12 PM | John Smallberries
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Not funny at all. This is what happens when amatures (that is YOU) get their hands around havey machinery. Why do not you stick to kids toys? You are NOT wanted in the grown ups world.
2/5/2006 9:35 AM | Dror
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

John -- thanks, and I kind of figured the same thing, but I suppose there's always going to be people like Dror out there ....

2/5/2006 10:56 AM | Jeff S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

*ROTFLMAO*
2/21/2006 1:20 AM | Andre Hartzenberg
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

This may not be the place to ask for help, but I was trying to shorten the name of one of my tables so that I might save time and effort typing the name in the future.

The orginal name was Orders_For_February. My intention was to change it to Orders_For_Feb.

So I used the Truncate...

Truncate Table Orders_For_February

Not only did it not make the table name smaller, there is no Data now!!!

I have tried UnTruncate, but this does not seem to be a command.

Next time I will try this on our development environment first.
2/27/2006 11:59 PM | Desperate
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

re: Truncate didn't fix the name and where's my data

ROTFLMAO
3/6/2006 11:29 AM | Perry
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I didn't LOL until I read the comments. You guys have just gotta lighten up a bit. The seriousness of the comments is making my day
3/6/2006 10:02 PM | Stephen
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Had to read it twice. Thought the guy was serious :-)
3/7/2006 7:55 AM | tojo
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I love people who just love to give comments without knowing what they're talking about.

ORAL DIARRHOEA! Go ahead!
3/7/2006 10:44 AM | Fritz
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Hey!

He didn't mention how SQL Server isn't a wireless device!!!
Blackberry is waaaaaaaaay better :p
3/7/2006 9:59 PM | Jays
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Joke should be funny, but not stupid. No comments about posting details.
BTW, I would suggest to upgrade your SQL server to Notepad - it is much more user friendly then proposed Access. LOL
3/9/2006 3:44 PM | Kolobok
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# Jeg hader SQL Server

3/10/2006 7:34 AM | SQL Joint
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Hi, someone in the comments here asked about using TRUNCATE for shortening the tablename... but this is not the correct syntax!
You have to use "DROP Table Orders_For_February" instead, this is the final solution and a proven work around in SQL Server!
Good luck
3/10/2006 8:34 AM | Peter
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# re: #7 is best!

So sad that people try to use databases without understanding the most basic concepts.

Kind of like asking my secretary to write the merger agreement for our billion dollar corporate merger. Probably won't hold up in court!!
3/11/2006 7:12 PM | KENAMBROSE
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Are you serious?

1. SQL is too complicated!

This comment doesn't make a lot of sense. If you design your database to be properly NORMALIZED, you wouldn't be storing "JAN, FEB, MAR" in one column. Learn how to NORMALIZE your tables and it will make your life a lot easier.

MS didn't make this complicated. It's a standard, mathematically-proven concept that has been around since Dr. Codd introduced the Relational Model.

2. Datatype conversions!

Using VARCHAR for everything is very poor strategy. If you have a column that's supposed to hold only INTEGER values, but use a VARCHAR, how do you keep people from entering "ZDFGEH34" in it?

Different Data Types and conversions are a standard in any language. Additionally, SQL Server has some implicit conversions; although it's best to tell SQL Server exactly what you want. After all, you probably learned a long time ago that computers can only do *exactly* what you tell them to do. They used to call it "GIGO" - Garbage In, Garbage Out.

By the way, what do you get when you add "A" and "1"? Is it "B"? Or is it "A1"? Probably depends on whether you're using your VARCHARs to represent hexadecimal numbers or hard text. Unfortunately SQL is only as smart as the developer. For every person who wants "12" + "5" to equal "17", there is someone else who just wants to concatenate the strings.

3. Uh .... Formatting?

Uh... If you haven't figured it out yet, SQL Server is not a presentation platform. It is a data storage and retrieval platform; what we often refer to in the biz as the "back end". You can write functions to do the formatting for you, or you can do it on the "front end", as God and ANSI intended. After all, if your SQL Server is located on a box in the next state, how do you properly right-justify or center the data using a non-fixed-width font at the server? Keep in mind that your SQL Server might have different display settings than your workstation. Are you going to pass in the various required hardware settings with each query? Query Analyzer is a developer's tool, not an end-user database access application. (REF: "front end", "back end")

4. Sorting?

Really simple. Add an "ORDER BY" clause to your orders. If you want SQL Server to *know* that results are to be sorted by Last Name/First Name without telling it, set up a CLUSTERED INDEX. Otherwise, how will the next user get a result set ordered by ADDRESS? Work location? Date of Birth??? Unfortunately having the options to bring the data back in ANY ORDER means you have to actually type in "ORDER BY Lastname, Firstname". P.S. - You can copy and paste the ORDER BY clause I just gave you to avoid all that tedious typing.

Oh yeah, that months out of order thing is one of those great benefits of storing ALL your data as VARCHARs instead of doing it the RIGHT WAY.

5. The IN() operator never works!

IN works just fine. It does not split up lists, like it appears you want. There are plenty of ways to do that though; if you PROPERLY NORMALIZE your data that is. But it sounds like that's not really an option for you anyway.

6. Foreign Keys Constraints !

It's called DRI (Data Referential Integrity), and it's built into SQL Server.

7. Primary Keys don't work!

LMMFAO. You need to use the NATURAL KEY, which would be StateName or StateAbbreviation in your "tblStatesTable" (REF: Redundant Department of Redundancy). Set your PRIMARY KEY on the NATURAL KEY. Study up on the differences between NATURAL and SURROGATE KEYS.

8. S-Q-L is S-L-O-W !!!

LMMFATFO. It's SLOW because you're using LIKE '%JAN%' in your query. It's SLOW because the WHERE clause below cannot use an INDEX. It's SLOW because you did not properly NORMALIZE your data.

Just for comparison, pull out a phone book, and locate every last name entry that begins with "JOH" (i.e., "JOH%"). Now locate every last name entry that has "TL" anywhere in it (i.e., "%TL%"). Which one will take you longer? SQL Server is only as smart as the developer.

This is all the more ridiculous because you name your tables "tblTable" (how redundantly redundant) and your columns tblTable_colMonthList (extreme, over-the-top, excessive redundantly redundant redundancy).

9. Cryptic Error Messages!

That means that you don't have an Order in the Orders table to match the row you're trying to put into the Order Details table. Really simple stuff. Your GROUP BY problem is caused because you're using aggregate functions and not specifying the correct columns in the GROUP BY. The Error Messages are for Developers, and they make perfect sense; although you could always make your own error messages. Look it up in Books Online sometime.

You're trying to truncate tables in the MASTER database? Are you on medication?? Bill Gates could probably afford to buy bad developers brain transplants; but why in the world would he?

10. Table and Column referencing!

Look up Dynamic SQL sometime. It's called sp_executesql or EXEC. There are a bazillion ways to dynamically build SQL statements, but they're very dangerous. I'd be wary of letting anyone who TRUNCATES Master database system tables write dynamic SQL against my databases. Geez.

INSERT works just fine. And you can modify the design of your tables with ALTER TABLE. But then again if you need to dynamically alter your tables it's a pretty good sign that you don't know what the heck you're doing anyway. A properly NORMALIZED database makes SELECTING the data easier, and alleviates the need for DYNAMIC SQL. SQL Server doesn't really need to address this, since Database Design 101 usually does a pretty good job of addressing it. For those who didn't sleep through it anyway.
3/12/2006 5:30 PM | Mike C
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Oops. I just saw your other blog where you reveal the joke. Thank God it's not real. I was going to try to find the author and slap him around a little bit.

The sad part is I've seen some databases that use some of the things you mentioned (everything stored as a VARCHAR, etc.)

Thanks for the laugh.
3/12/2006 5:38 PM | Mike C
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I LAUGHED MY HEAD OFF! i did a column years ago about "10 things I hate about you!", but this is so much better!


3/12/2006 8:48 PM | --CELKO--
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Heehee... the next time u have "that guy" designing anything at all, let me know. I need more laughter. *LOL*

On the side note, once i heard our network guy saying the SQL Server 2000 was not stable. That reminds me, i need to send my car to electric shop for fixing... *LOL*
3/12/2006 11:24 PM | Soup
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I can't believe people even remotely thought this was real. Maybe the opening statement, but the rest was so tongue in cheek I just about bit mine off.

This was hilarious and is getting revitalized due to a posting in Database Daily! The comments are the best part. People are showing either a) their lack of understanding or b) their lack of a sense of humor.
3/13/2006 12:15 AM | jbonnell
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Funny and scary.
There *are* people out thinking this...
3/13/2006 3:24 AM | Bob
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Excellend - good piece of humour to brightn my day
3/13/2006 3:31 AM | Stewart
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Excellend - good piece of humour to brighten my day
3/13/2006 3:32 AM | Stewart
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Excellent - good piece of humour to brighten my day
3/13/2006 3:32 AM | Stewart
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Who's been reading my diary? ;-) Yep and I bet you as soon as we all get settled into our nice comfy workarounds, some clever person will figure out how simple it is to fix these 'features' and we'll all be up in the air again :-(
3/13/2006 4:10 AM | Marco
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

You know... I just read that the post office is tired of using addresses as a unique record and that they are going to give every house in the US a Primary Identity ID.

They say everyone will have to paint it on their house in bold pink letters, 12" high...

this will allow them to sort mail and find people easier...

it will also make easier for programmers to use addresses in SQL Server...
3/13/2006 7:11 AM | Mikla
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

The replies were almost as good as the original post. A coworker and I laughed out loud reading the them. I can't believe some people actually thought you did not know what you are talking about and tried to give you bullet points on what you were doing wrong. Hilarious. With some luck this might get fixed with 2005???!!! LOL
3/13/2006 8:28 AM | Scott A
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I can't believe that people actually took this seriously. Of course, I know some Access users who would agree with most of the 10 reasons!!!
3/13/2006 8:41 AM | BigPimpin'
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I know the article is tongue in cheek but I just had to comment on the first item in the list.
As for SQL being difficult - try setting up stored procedures on IBM's DB2 and you will want to kiss the SQL developers!
3/13/2006 9:56 AM | Craig
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Great article! Reminds me of an acronym I learned while taking a case tool class many years ago: AFWATISAF (a fool with a tool is still a fool)!!!
3/13/2006 10:51 AM | DBDoc
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Your list sounds just like it came out of the mouth of an MS Access front end developer whose back end SQL Server database I support! I'm tempted to forward it to her but I don't think she'd understand that it was a joke! How about starting a list on the top 100 things I hate about MS Access?
3/13/2006 11:06 AM | Maxine
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

This experiment shows how many db idiots there are out there and why an application like access is needed.
3/13/2006 11:14 AM | Mike S
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Ummm, I think you missed the biggest problem of all. I can't type stuff into this stupid SQL Server. I have this idiotic Query Analyzer (can you say DOS circa 1985?) and I SELECTed all my rows, but when I click in the cells in the bottom window it won't let me type over the text! And no Fill Down? How am I supposed to work? I can't even insert rows and columns! You can't expect me to always type in "update theTable set name='Joe Smith' where name = 'Joe Baker'" Sheesh! Excel is way better.
3/13/2006 11:26 AM | Merl
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Ummm, I know they are just jokes. I would think SQL Server are not only the server itself, but its GUI like Enterprise Manager, etc.

Unfortunate some of jokes are almost realistic.

If you check process information under SQL Current Activity of Enterprise Mangager, it sort the SPID (integer) as varchar(..).

For some version (might be different SPs) of Enterprise Mangager, when you tried to list objets (like stored procedures) in order of created date, it sorts the date as varchar(...).
3/13/2006 7:30 PM | Michael Ou
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

The thing I hate most about Query Analyzer is when I ask for a view and it says "Invalid object name 'v_Orders'" even though I'm in the master db.
3/14/2006 5:29 PM | Tim
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Jeff,

I totally agree with you. I have done the exact same thing you have for most of ur 10 points of disapointment. I too created my database with nothing but varchar, but was able to get a little bit more out of the database when I changed every column to a SQL-Varient. Although this helped I took it one step farther and took all my tables and just converted them into spreadsheets in excel. I know have an amazing database system totally in excel but the only thing is this, if I may ask? How can u get the information out of excel and back into the application the users are using? Although the excel satisfies my reporting needs...the actual application only has data 3 months old :(


Just joking by the way...LOL great post Jeff!
3/15/2006 10:17 AM | SQL Nut
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

This list is a good start on some of SQL Server's short comings. However I feel you should have mentioned the lack of security in the product. As a company standard we set all connections to have dbo (ie disallow basic operations)privileges but it never works properly. We've been hacked over and over. This really is a short coming in the product that needs addressing. I thought Microsoft were focussing on security these days but it seems they skipped it in SQL. Perhaps SP1 will fix this.
3/16/2006 2:58 AM | Craig Bailey
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

My tears are tears of laughter - nervous laughter, not actual mirth. There are too many people who didn't get the joke.
3/16/2006 11:31 AM | John
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Nice! Bookmarked!! ;-)
3/16/2006 11:50 AM | Cheryl
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

The only thing better than SQL Server is Chuck Norris!
3/17/2006 8:54 AM | Chuck Norris
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

it does not work after turning machine off.
3/20/2006 10:07 PM | anil joshi
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

One shoud read this blog and all the comments and finally post their opinions. I appreciate this blog, knowledge comes from both this blog and from comments by some people who posted some good points
3/23/2006 4:25 AM | madhavan
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Craig,

"we set all connections to have dbo (ie disallow basic operations) privileges but it never works properly"

Maybe you should try connecting as sa (ie secured access)?
3/24/2006 3:44 AM | Hugo Kornelis
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Joke? These are ALL bona fide SQL glitches...you people are crazy!

For example, I can't use Query Analyzer at the command prompt (I want to display database results in the grid format in my Microsoft Works text file!)

;)

George

p.s. Very funny!
3/24/2006 7:50 AM | George
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Have some fixes for U, I noticed that knowone else tried to help you out

1. SQL is too complicated!

Rename your Jan,Feb,Mar columns to 1,2,3... respectively, then u use the BETWEEN expression ie. BETWEEN 1 and 12 to increase productivity

Also re-ordering your columns 15,84,22 to 15,22,84 and use the above method to increase query performance efficiency.

2. Datatype conversion.

Store your days, months & years in separate columns. Also “12” + “5” = “125”, subtract “108” to give you the correct answer.

3. Uh …. Formatting?

Change you requirements so that the people type what they want, how they want to see it. For GUI interface install sql server enterprise manager on everyone’s computer in the office to give them a free visually stunning gui upgrade.

4. Sorting.

Oracle has the same functionality. This problem was addresses above when you renamed you columns 1 thru to 12, now your columns will come out in the proper order.

5. The IN() operator never works!

Easy mistake to make, SQL server doesn’t understand @var as you would expect. The correct syntax is IN (@list).

6. Foreign Key Constraints

You need to have a computer with multiple computer chips to have the computer put the new rows in at the exactly the same time. Otherwise if your have an older computer you can just disable it

EXEC sp_MSForEachTable 'ALTER TABLE ? NOCHECK CONSTRAINT ALL'

7. Primary Keys don’t work!

Use secondary keys

8. S-Q-L is S-L-O-W !!!

Sounds like you have the older computer without the multiple computer chips.

9. Cryptic Error Messages !

I can always find help from forums, blogs and other types of web-sites by Googaling (google.com) the error message.

10. Table and Column referencing !

Correct syntax is

Exec (‘select ‘ + @TableName + ‘.’ + @ColumnName + ‘ from ‘ + @TableName)
3/24/2006 8:42 AM | Kane
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

What a beautiful hireing tool:

"Before I can consider you for this position, I'd like you to comment on a list of things I hate about SQL... Oh you agree? Thankyou we'll be in touch!"


ROTFLMFAO
3/24/2006 8:59 AM | Weesha
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

What a beautiful hireing tool:

"Before I can consider you for this position, I'd like you to comment on a list of things I hate about SQL... Oh you agree? Thankyou we'll be in touch!"


ROTFLMFAO
3/24/2006 8:59 AM | Weesha
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Brilliant! I was laughing hard until I ran into Desperate's TRUNCATE joke, then I almost wet myself.
3/24/2006 9:42 AM | MrMad
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Joke??? I'm having the EXACT same problem (but with March).
3/24/2006 10:11 AM | Zoney
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Brilliant! Couldn't have said it better. BTW - I find that regularly truncating all of my tables cuts way down on system overhead and really improves performance. Why oh why doesn't MS do this for you? :oP
3/24/2006 10:56 AM | AquaMan
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Looks like you have never any database ever!!
3/24/2006 11:43 AM | Square
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I hate how sql server never gives me the answers my boss wants! Every time he comes up with a new speech or idea, he has me query the dtabases to come up with some statistics to support his ideas....

Well, this database is sooooo stupid that it always comes out with the result proving that my boss is a total idiot! How in the world could that be? I mean, he is "The Boss", right? The database is there to validate what he wants to be true, right?

Well, SQL Server sucks! From now on I'm just going to go back to the old fashion way.... make it all up!
3/24/2006 12:27 PM | Dan
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Yeah, maybe some day Microsoft will figure out how to get the following to work.



SELECT ‘Data I Want’
FROM ‘The Table(s) I Am Thinking About’
ORDER BY ‘Use Common Sense’
WHERE ‘Data I Want’ = ‘How I Want It’
3/27/2006 12:58 PM | Scott G.
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

LMFAO...!!!

The comments themselves are worth a read...!!

Brilliant...

And what's with SQL server not having a voice recognition module..? God I hate such sloppy piece of software... ;-)

No wonder I migrated to Access ... ;-)
3/27/2006 1:12 PM | AccessDeveloper
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I don’t understand why we don’t just give all users Enterprise Manager and leave the sa password blank!!!
3/27/2006 1:38 PM | Confused and bewildered
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Cryptic error messages... well at least they give us a phone number to call when SQL gives an error message.

I live in Dallas and am happy to notice that the phone number is a local Dallas number (Area code - 214). But they still need some work on their customer service.
The other day I got a SQL timed-out error, with a phone number prefixed to that (214 something something). I called up that number, but the lady on the other end was totally ignorant about SQL server and was in fact quite rude. I suppose MicroSnob still have a long ways to go in their customoer service department.
3/27/2006 1:47 PM | DallasDAVE
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I am an Oracle guy (OCA/OCP) but somehow i got a job related to MS sql server. so am now downloading the 150 day trial version.

What really cracked me up by reading some of the comments in here is that they took it seriously and tried to reason/or give some suggestion. BUT some of these suggestions are wrong as well LMAO !!

Especially, changes from .....LIKE"%JAN%" to ....LIKE"JAN%" would not shut the indexed column so that the search would be faster. HAHAHAHA

Know about the mechanics of the index usage in the machine level. E.g. Oracle uses RORWID for index, which is about 10 consecutive letters. first 3 letters contain info about the db host, following letters contain table and tuples. It don't matter whether you use % in the front or at the end, because these columns are already 'indexed' in the level of data blocks(segments or extents), which is pointed by ROWID. they don't even know what '%' is. Keep in mind that clustering and indexing are created in the machine level.

PS: but I gotta love this sql server. dang i hope there are many overlaps between oracle and sql server, so far i see only lots of differences thou based on my research - like sql server sucks, Oracle rules.
3/28/2006 7:43 AM | Scott C
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I'm not sure what's funnier, the blog or the comments.

Laughed my head off on both.
3/29/2006 3:37 AM | ajk-eis
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I hate how you cant just fucking double click on the tables to open them. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And why is it that the open table option isn the first option on the list when you right click. Fuck that is dumb. Bill gaits is an arsehole.
3/30/2006 5:25 PM | Jason
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

1. SQL is too complicated!

>>>Rename your Jan,Feb,Mar columns to 1,2,3... respectively, then u use the BETWEEN expression ie. BETWEEN 1 and 12 to increase productivity

..lol F--ing brilliant LOL!

I think you'd wanna have 2 talbles, one with numbered columns and one with text, then an intermediate table to link them. Hullo, it's called RELATIONAL?
MonthNumber Month
1 January
2 February
etc.

4/4/2006 4:57 PM | OG
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Excellent, The things that galls me, and I realise that a number of these posters do not have English as a first language, but the more absurd the response; the more the idiots didn't get it; the more shoddy the grasp of grammar and language constructs are.

10 things I hate about dumbass coders.
1. No sense of humour
2. No sense of humour
....
Yes they ARE all the same
4/5/2006 5:30 AM | Alan Gregory
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

1. SQL is too complicated!

>>>Rename your Jan,Feb,Mar columns to 1,2,3... respectively, then u use the BETWEEN expression ie. BETWEEN 1 and 12 to increase productivity

..lol F--ing brilliant LOL!

I think you'd wanna have 2 talbles, one with numbered columns and one with text, then an intermediate table to link them. Hullo, it's called RELATIONAL?
MonthNumber Month
1 January
2 February
etc.



ROFL

Surely, you would have twelve tables one for each month with a single record in each?
4/5/2006 6:11 AM | IvorBiggun
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

lol wtf?

WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE '%JAN%'

Nice table naming there.
4/5/2006 7:38 PM | Andrew
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

JB here, Jeff, how did you pick up my comment in PW's diary on the C2 site. Posted a comment in there.

Above is meaningless to anyone else but I picked up the article after a mention on an Oracle newsgroup and I thought it was very well written and a great spoof
4/6/2006 8:10 AM | JB
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# TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Great Work!!

One shoud read this blog and all the comments and finally post their opinions. I appreciate this blog, knowledge comes from both this blog and from comments by some people who posted some good points
4/6/2006 12:35 PM | partitions musique
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I love you jeff,marry me
4/6/2006 1:37 PM | Bill Gates
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

okk
4/10/2006 1:32 PM | semanti
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I don't know why you hate SQL Server!
With SQL Server you can finally write SQL like:

SELECT Left(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList, 3), Count(*)
FROM tblTable
GROUP BY 1

I just love it!
4/11/2006 4:46 PM | SOV
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I rarely read blogs but this just caught my attention (coming from you) and it is mind blowingly hilarious jeff!

saving the best for last...
Table and Column referencing! wouldn't the newbies like that 'fix' eh...


oh, and the thread that follows too!
4/24/2006 3:08 AM | Jen
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

How come this didn't make your top ten?

GET firstname
FROM customers
WHEN joindate WAS yesterday BEFORE 2:00

"Incorrect syntax near the keyword 'FROM'."

I know i have a customers table...
4/25/2006 2:15 PM | OMG
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Not really that funny. The bigger issue is that SQL server 2005 does really suck. At least compaired to SQl 2000, IBM Db2, or Oracle. One issue is how easy it is to crash. (It does recover very fast though) SQL now just dies when I try to put in bad data.

Yep, I put in bad data on purpose. I need to make sure that bad data does not kill the system. It kills SQL sever. (Read: the developers will have to spend more time ensuring that external data is perfect) The fact is, that SQL server does not post very good error messages. ( Nor does ADO.NET ) The error messages that I have seen are good. But when the server dies, and spits out no error message(s), that is bad.
4/27/2006 8:29 AM | Doggie
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I did not need to read all of it but I think the author need to learn how to use queries anyway.

Bu the way use
WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE '%JAN%')
instead of
WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE 'JAN%')

Just an advice to compare something with another thing, you have to find the other thing first.
To say that SQL Server is slow at least you need to compare it with its competitors.

4/27/2006 8:35 PM | John
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

i'll agree that i almost got sucked in ...

but now that i realise it was a social experiment, it's sooo funny what ppl say.

it's much better to be the one laughing at ppl ... than the one being laughed at...

lol
4/27/2006 10:39 PM | Matt
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I really laughed my ass off. Seriously, you should not be using SQL at all. Make your tables in Notepad or so. This stupid SQL stuff is only created to enable Micro$oft to sell more crap to the world!!
5/1/2006 7:28 AM | PalmTree
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Dude you got to learn SQl .......FAST................
And i am telling you "DO NOT REVEAL YOUR NAME HERE"
COZ then WE all will be sending you the '1'+'1'='11' Award.
(And thats Not An ipod Nano)........NOT IS very important here,,
i knw u are missing a lot of referential integrity..
well,
best of luck.
5/5/2006 5:48 PM | Chetan
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Hey PalmTree,
Sounds like you've spent too much time coding with your substring('PalmTree', 1, 4)
5/15/2006 3:31 PM | Wanka
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

This was the very first post I read from Jeff... Even tho I have read all the other posts and personally I have learned new things about SQL programming, etc., I still picture Jeff as a fat loser that pretends to know something about SQL while he is struggling with some 500-line select statement in his not-even-first-normal-form tblTabTable_Table Tables

Guess the first impression do counts =)

I still laugh at your post Jeff, and love the reply from "Kane" that's the best IMO.

Great social experiment

Mike
5/16/2006 12:37 PM | Mike R
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Why don't you just do what the rest of the world does when you run into these problems? BUY A MODERN PC Even just adding some memory will probably fix most of it! Sheesh!

How long has it been since you reformatted your drive anyway?
5/20/2006 1:54 PM | doofledorfer
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

i almost wet my pants
5/30/2006 5:07 PM | drewg
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Jeff,

Absolutely hilarious! I've shared this with every SQL Server guru I know.
5/30/2006 5:58 PM | Tim Mitchell
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Hay!! doofledorfer!! "Most of this stuff you can do"

ROTFLMAO!!!!!
6/26/2006 9:29 AM | dave
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Item 8

Not only are you trying to manipulate an indexed value - but you have also passed a parameter for which you have placed a wild card at the start and end.

Despite being an Oracle fan - you can't expect Sql Server to be psyhic
6/30/2006 7:53 AM | Dave
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Learn2SQL
6/30/2006 9:16 AM | DBAGURU
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

That because you are too STUPID

Go get some basic training, PLEASE!!!
7/6/2006 5:40 PM | LAOLI
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

I know what you meen. I really, really hate that sql dose not support select lotto number where date = tomorrow.
7/11/2006 11:12 AM | jccondor
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

SQL is a database, its not microsoft excel you moron.

It does exactly what it needs to do. It's existance is not to make things look pretty, its to perform database functions. Sure the UI could use a little work - but it's a database!

In all honesty, I hate MS too... but not because of their SQL usability???
7/18/2006 9:57 PM | Jon
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

The real issue is: Why is there so much HATE for SQL Server. It's only software. Perhaps you have spent too much alone time with your computer. I strongly recommend getting out more often. Go for a walk, get together with some friends, or perhaps even get yourself a puppy. Go enjoy a sunrise. Joining a yoga club may also prove beneficial. Lose the stress imposed by technology.
Ignorance is bliss.
7/31/2006 8:03 AM | Fred Sigmund
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Nice blog but you do not want to know how many of our customers come in with such a 'designed not-relation database' and than ask Us to 'just have a little professional peek at their database and fix the few things that could be better'..... :-)
8/17/2006 3:02 AM | Melle
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

you guys are nuts
8/18/2006 3:22 AM | maid
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

Months later and this is still as funny as ever.
8/24/2006 5:45 PM | Tony Q
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

How is it possible that there are people who thinks this is real???

Are the "programmers" cass geting so disconnected from the world that they cant see a joke like this??

Or are the "coders" class geting full of self centered idiots that rush to post some ofencive stuff just to say that they are better before thinking?

Anyway, good stuff Jeff.
It dosent need to be real to be funny
8/25/2006 9:53 PM | Max
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# re: TOP 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SQL SERVER

i don't know about you guys, but i don't like sql server one bit. i tried installing it on my NES and it wouldn't work, even when i took the CD out and blew on it and put it in while holding the 'reset' and 'power' buttons at the same time! anyways, i don't care much, zelda kicks sql server's a$$ any day!
9/8/2006 3:58 PM | El Pepe
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I'm a SQL2000 MCDBA. I hate SQL but it has nothing to do with SQL itself. I'm burnt out and am changing carreers, not to mention that I've been downsized for the second time in 6 years. I think if you do your homework you'll find that SQL Server is a bargian, and for the money you have more functionality than you will ever use in a DBMS. Good luck to all of you with this...because I'm so done with going home so stressed that my hair hurts.

Wishing all you happy SQL code writing.
5/8/2007 9:43 AM | Al
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Dude, you're trying to truncate what? Just get out of your line of work....or take some classes.

Do you have an idea what-so-ever what you are doing.....I mean really?


Good Lord!

...and Good Luck.....

5/8/2007 9:55 AM | Al
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Dude, you're trying to truncate master? Get out of IT asap....
5/8/2007 9:56 AM | Al
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I've been on sqlteam.com several times, but this was the first time I've read anything from you to my knowledge. I initially thought that this was some moron with a beef about MS that posted this, and that you were subsequently going to address and destroy his comments. I laughed harder when I read Mike C's post. Funnnny stuff!
5/10/2007 11:01 AM | steveo
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

insert into DIPSHITS ([name]) values ('you')
5/14/2007 10:17 AM | dr Nick Riviera
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

To desparate
I think you just misused the truncate verb. You need to include the keyword table between "truncate" and the "tablename". That should do the trick.
But still, SQL Server is trash. And I'm using 2005. It's worse because there are new things the bosses would like for us to use. I am telling them that there is no use to try the new features because they don't like the result sets of the old queries.


Also, To Jeff, (the original poster). I'm with you, man. I heard Microsoft is generating so much heat over SQL Server's hard to use features that it is the actual cause of Global Warning. MS does not care about the environment or that we live in the 21st century. They try to make SQL Server so hard so they can pretend like all the smart people work for them and the rest of us are just stupid. But the real stupid people are the ones that made SQL Server so hard to use. So many rules and error messages. Man, I'm going to forget about databases and take a job making something like cookies (not those java things either), just like peanut butter or chocloate chips. We would all be better off to quit storing, sorting, retrieving data. We load it and then the managers say it's useless. We make reports and they don't like them. But I made some cookies and brought them to work and all the managers were so much happier than when I run a query and I'm less frustrated, too, becuase I understand what the oven means when the bell goes off. And it's really easy to set the timer for 20 minutes. And I can watch
Oprah while they are baking. Bill made a stupid mistake when he tried to make a database system. There already was a database system, a filing cabinet worked for grandma. When the world catches on there won't be any more databases and we can all just relax and watch Oprah.

LOL
Teri
5/18/2007 2:38 PM | Teri
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I'm glad I read the comments first! Sadly, it's entirely possible that a person would seriously say all of those things. As I was reading, I thought, "Maybe MS excel would work better for him ..."

Damn funny, Jeff S.!

For some reason, it reminds me of something said to me when I was explaining the complexities and issues with programming some kind of functionality (I don't remember exactly what). "Whaddaya mean? It's a computer ... it does what ya tell it to, right?"

Note: He was a marketing guy ...
7/23/2007 11:53 AM | Steve
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

select count(readers) from blogosphere where senseofhoumor >0 OR sqlexpertise>0 or readsblogcomments=TRUE;

Surprisingly this query returns a smaller number than I expected . stupid microsoft .



7/27/2007 12:17 PM | Pradeep
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I hate SQL but alomost everything what are you write is not true.
string 12 + string 5 is 125 in every programming language.
Sorting is not broken. Formatting is UI, not SQL server.
You need to learn.
8/9/2007 10:26 AM | Vlado
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Hello Jeff,
hello all other,

yes that blog entry is exactly what I needed now. Very very great. So much truth (there are people who really think so) with so much sarcasm, rarely I laughed out so loud.

For everyone who thinks this blog entry is meant seriously:
Not later than: "WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE '%JAN%'" should the fact would be clear: this can't be meant seriousely.
No programmer would write so innefficient code, I think.

Great amusement Jeff, thx.
NTR
8/21/2007 8:48 AM | NTR
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# Well done!

Jeff,

What a great spoof! I was absolutely rolling on the floor laughing with tears in my eyes and clutching my aching gut while gasping for the occasional breath of air between laughs. Then, even though I knew it was a spoof, I read your link about it being an experiment... and I laughed even harder because some people actually didn't realize it was a spoof!

Outstanding job, Sir!
9/8/2007 10:18 AM | Jeff Moden
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Pleae, hide the comments until after one has commented. I'm afraid it is not too obvious, and we're missing out on a lot of good laughs.
9/12/2007 1:35 PM | eric
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

correction - "NOW too obvious"
9/12/2007 1:36 PM | eric
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

this is the funniest thing i've read on the internet, LOL.
can't believe there r knobs like Kane and vlado out there who not only took it seriously but tried to teach good old jeffi a few things about SQL (not very accurate the teachings i must say LOL)

the funniest comment was by this moron called madhavan "One shoud read this blog and all the comments and finally post their opinions. I appreciate this blog, knowledge comes from both this blog and from comments by some people who posted some good points". its like he's realized the great truth about SQL from this blog, LOL. another knob chetan wants jeff to learn SQL fast.... OMG ! these people need to look for their sense of humour , wherever they have lost it...
awesome post dallasdave " Cryptic error messages... well at least they give us a phone number to call when SQL gives an error message.

I live in Dallas and am happy to notice that the phone number is a local Dallas number (Area code - 214). But they still need some work on their customer service.
The other day I got a SQL timed-out error, with a phone number prefixed to that (214 something something). I called up that number, but the lady on the other end was totally ignorant about SQL server and was in fact quite rude. I suppose MicroSnob still have a long ways to go in their customoer service department. " LOL.
can't wait for jeff's next "social experiment", will be equally funny i'm sure..
9/30/2007 11:46 PM | laughing ass off
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

gotto mention KENAMBROSE. rotflmao .
that dumb ass can't know a joke when he c's one and he handles billion dollar deals for his frim,LOL " So sad that people try to use databases without understanding the most basic concepts.

Kind of like asking my secretary to write the merger agreement for our billion dollar corporate merger. Probably won't hold up in court!! "

his company's probably gone broke since he wrote the merger agreement, what a MORON!! i piss myself laughing everytime i read this blog....
god bless u jeff...
10/1/2007 1:06 AM | laughing ass off
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I love SQL
10/2/2007 7:45 PM | rgwrg
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

no one is interested in your love life rgwrg, post something usefull..
10/11/2007 11:39 PM | laughing ass off
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

What an idiot; stick to notepad mate and leave DBA work to the professionals. You obviously havn't a clue what you are talking about.
6/18/2008 11:03 AM | Idiot
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Forget Management Studio...that is one of your problems, and is a complete disaster if you use something else. Use a 3rd party DB IDE; http://www.SQLDBx.com is free. Should help a bit.
6/25/2008 10:49 PM | Mojo
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Idiot
7/24/2008 6:02 PM | billy bo bo
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I salute you sir - you are the Phil Hendrie of SQL Server! Way to reel them in!
8/25/2008 1:28 PM | SDC
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

You should not use SQL Server, it is database server, that does not have to prove anything.
9/7/2008 2:10 PM | SD
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

*chuckles*

ok, just back away from the keyboard buddy...
9/30/2008 11:30 AM | asdfasfd
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Do they still have the 16 Tables query limit?

In the older version SQL Server failed on some queries because there were too many tables!!!!!
Neither to say, Oracle worked like a charm with as many tables as you can throw at it.
11/4/2008 1:22 AM | Giuseppe
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Hi folks.

I feel sql server is too good for me.

u people dont no how to use the sql server facilities or options based on ur requirements....Just think about the team who has developed this server[By putting there extreme knowledge ]......made it for every one to use this.....thank the people who are involed in this server.
11/12/2008 6:08 AM | Gajendra Gattahalli
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Hi folks.

I feel sql server is too good for me.

u people dont no how to use the sql server facilities or options based on ur requirements....Just think about the team who has developed this server[By putting there extreme efort ]......made it for every one to use this.....thank the people who are involed in this server.
11/12/2008 6:09 AM | Gajendra Gattahalli
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Huh? SQL Server joke? Horrible... What a waste...
12/11/2008 10:25 PM | not laughing
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

First!
12/12/2008 5:06 PM | Kris
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Brought to you by the same company that bought FoxPro and hired its creator, then buried it all.

There is no excuse for this crap. Oh, yeah, people pay for it.

And those same people reelect our congress.

Sigh
12/12/2008 5:17 PM | elder programmer
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

1. SQL is too complicated!

multiple values in one column how to select?
REGULAR EXPRESSION or Good database design

2. Datatype conversions! !!!!!!!!!!!

Actually the best part in SQL server is converting datatypes it is very easy to use

you said that you use varchar for every thing, and if you want to add two numbers like "12" and "5" -- it thinks it's "125"
well Duh!!!!
if you stored it as characters it will deal with it as characters and it will do the normal concatenation for the string any beginner programmer who doesn't use sql server will know that, if you saved the number or retrieved it as int or other number (store it as number or cast the string into number) formats guess what 12 + 5 = 18
in other meaning
'12' + '5' = '125' ==> string + string = concatenated string
12 + 5 = 18 ==> number + number = the sum
Read CAST() in MSDN

3. Uh .... Formatting?
thank you very much for mentioning it, now you officially approved you are 100% beginner in DBMS. the formatting part is dealt with presentation layer not DBMS part
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|
|

after reading Kane post how he replied and your reply against him I knew don't need to waste my time.
I will save it for some one who knows DBMS not on just a beginner

12/23/2008 3:11 AM | Some One
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

To SQLTeam.com: Why do you allow complete no-knows to write blogs like this. This idiot does not understand the first thing about SQL Server or SQL in general.

To his boss: I think you can do only one thing. Fire him before your customers leave.

To the writer: I think you better rethink your career - Mc Donalds always need new employees.
12/24/2008 7:03 AM | Theo
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Well typically someone likes Oracle or SQL Server because they have more experience on one vs. the other. Let's face it, you can get used to using just about anything. Well I can tell you as a person who has 10 plus years on both Oracle and SQL Server... SQL Server really does suck. Let's not even bring up MySQL which is a total joke, yet wonderful at it's price point...FREE. I remember when SQL Server was cheap. At least then you could tolerate it.

So I appoligise in advance to all you SQL Server lovers out there who have little to no Oracle experience. At least you can take comfort in the fact that your ignorance of Oracle is bliss.
2/3/2009 2:04 PM | Steve
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Actually, SQL Server is free, too (at least the Express editions, which is more than most people need anyways). If you're going to need to do things like data mining and business intelligence, then it really boils down to three options -- SQL Server, Oracle and Teradata. Then it's a question of how much money you have to blow. SQL Server comes with a much better price tag all around in enterprise situations.

And yes, I've spent many years with PL/SQL. I actually prefer their BI platform to Microsoft's. However, I do recognize the value in both. It seems Microsoft has invested a bit more time in usability while Oracle has invested a bit more time in functionality. That being said, they are both great platforms, and I'm really looking forward to testing the improvements in BI with 2008 (parallelism), but I have to think that SQL Server wins in the long run.

And I loved this article. Hilarious.
2/3/2009 10:44 PM | Nathan
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

MS SQL is the worst Database i have ever found in my lifetime........
2/6/2009 6:59 AM | Palash
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Definately right!!

SQL sucks, waiting for the time SQL will be oop (I assume it won't be in this century)
3/1/2009 11:18 PM | shimmy
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

12/23/2008 3:11 AM | Some One can not add, with that said I thought this post was amusing and some of the heated comments hilarious. I caught on to the Humor prior to reading the comments...
This is an Old post, but still good humor for late night reading.
3/7/2009 2:47 AM | Eraserve
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

So funny... Then after I read through the comments, even funnier!

Looks like "Some One" needs a lesson in humor. Dumbass should be fired for obvious jokes flying a mile high over his head...

To Jeff: Congratulations on a job well done. I would like to add that COMPLETELY flattening out all table data to one single massive table with lots of nulls is the REAL man's way to go. All the columns should be labelled as key, tag, value1, value2, value3, value4, etc, for the max number of columns allowed in sql server... I think it is around 1000? I call it the uber-EAV-table-management-system.

Just a single clustered index on the most common column value.........
And watch your performance FLY!!!

--Barf4Eva
3/20/2009 9:10 PM | Barf4Eva
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

And results of queries without an ORDER BY clause are not returned unsorted "on purpose." It's not as though the server randomizes the output. The results are unsorted simply because they happen to not be sorted
5/1/2009 2:43 PM | dvd man
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

"WHERE LTRIM(tblTable.tblTable_colMonthList) LIKE '%JAN%'"

Querying for months is just going to be slow, you should really create a separate table for each time period you want to query, and then you can ommit the where.

"10. Table and Column referencing!

This one is crazy. OK, we have smart computers, right? And we have things called variables, right? We can store anything in these variables, even column and table names. But this never works:

Select @TableName.@ColumnName from @TableName"

Yeah, that drives me nuts too. To work around that, I usually just do something like this:

EXEC('SELECT ' + @TableName + '.' + @ColumnName + ' FROM ' + @TableName)

SQL doesn't highlight it properly though, which they really need to start doing

Another thing I hate about SQL Server is that it forces you to store your data in TEXT columns if your rows are over 8k. Hello, this is 2009; 8k is no longer a lot of data. With about half the tables we create we end up having to store all of the data as text, which is really slow to query.
6/23/2009 2:56 PM | Scott
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I don't use SQL myself, but there's this website I go to that uses SQL and is constantly saying "Connection refused" in some socket because of a mySQL error! I don't know what's up with that! T_T
6/27/2009 9:41 AM | The Road Virus
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I like MS SQL and don't have any issues with it.
I like SQL as well it not that hard and gets you what you want.

I didn't read all the comments only the first few and then the last 1 or 3 but I think the guy who posted this was serious and saw the error of this ways and tried to make it of as a joke.
9/17/2009 8:51 AM | aws
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Fucking hilarious. Well into September 2009, this is the first result on a "sql server sucks" google search.

I <3 Express 2008, personally, and was looking for opposing viewpoints.
9/26/2009 3:59 PM | Matt S
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

You obviously have no idea what the hell you are doing.
9/28/2009 10:39 PM | wHOALAO
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jeff!! The "Top 10" list was an instant classic and the ensuing posts are priceless. Is there any way you could have known you'd get these kinds of responses? impossible! but i'll give you credit anyway jsut because you sparked off an internet classic.

this post needs a NSFW waring. your coworkers will think your insane for busting out laughing in the middle of a quiet office!
10/12/2009 4:01 PM | CoWorkers dont get it!
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server


Man,

What a sheet of pedantic attracting piece
of fly paper you have unfurled upon us !!
Help the morons are swarming !!

Bob
11/3/2009 3:46 PM | Bob
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

A couple things. I am a MySQL guy, so I totally sympathize with the fact that SQL blows, but I have to take exception to a few details on your list (sorry if someone else already said this--I didn't read every previous post).

Firstly, the first thing you hate about SQL syntax being too difficult? Well if you have a column value that is equaled to "OCT,FEB,MAR" you are violating the FIRST NORMAL FORM of SQL. If you design schemas on a clear violation of the Normal Forms of course your queries are going to be monstrous!

Secondly, you talk about how your queries get really long and that sucks. Well, I hate to break it to you, but its because you use VARCHAR for everything. Of course "12" + "5" = "125", just like "twelve" + "five" = "twelvefive". It's string concatenations. Everthing's a string, remember?

Thirdly, if cryptic error messages in SQL Server annoy you, you might just wanna quit being a DBA. Every distro, especially SQL Server and MySQL have oft cryptic error messages.

Finally, I will cut you some slack on the "S-Q-L is S-L-O-W" : ) . Yes, SQL Server is slow. A faster table format does come to mind though...MyISAM anyone, hint hint. (Cough MYSQL Cough).

All in all an entertaining article though.
11/6/2009 4:40 PM | Kyle
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I was thinking you were serious !

fun =)
12/17/2009 9:24 AM | agnain
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

After I read through the first few items, I was thinking to myself, “What? Is this guy nuts???” By the time I got number 4, I was laughing my head off. #7 (Primary Keys don’t work) was the killer app for me as I read my way through the rest of the list. Then I got to the comments and really started to howl. Even after it was “outed” as a joke, people continued to give advice and/or disagree with certain “facts”. I laughed for a good 15 minutes on this and I totally agree with the comment about showing this to a perspective hire to see what they think. Thanks for the laughs and great applause!

You are my new hero.
1/22/2010 5:15 PM | RJ Roberts
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

People are starving to death in the world outside while this circle jerk takes place.
Just not the right people, is all ...
2/23/2010 6:40 AM | Nobby
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

1.Date function is limited on mssql.Mysql have lot of date function.This is very important.Now i know why mssql person create varchar for everything.
2.Yes inserting is dam pain.Why mysql so easy.
3.Php need third party library to connect with mssql.that's idiot.
3/18/2010 9:26 AM | hafizan
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

I really hate SQL Server

It made me crazy, confuse . It drive me complicate to implement .
5/1/2010 2:02 PM | Jojas
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

What's funny is that I was so pissed today about truncation on import that I typed this in, "sql server what is the fucking point of on truncation global" and I got this wonderful post that showed me I'm not the only one. haha.. Fantastic. :)
5/19/2010 1:12 PM | Matt Hudson
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Pure Genius. How can people still be commenting the Jeff knows nothing with all these comments, and the fact that surely no one is stupid enough to actually take what is written in the article as serious...?
6/25/2010 11:15 AM | Chris Key
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

Geez, I guess we're gonna need to mandate laugh tracks for all the dumbfucks who can't discern a joke when it's sittting (quietly) in their lap. I guess satire is an acquired taste. The original post was good (thanks, Jeff), but the comments are the BEST. I.e. those that don't get the joke and try to "help" or rant based on their own ignorance AND those who got the joke and craftily adorned it with new layers. E.g. the not-so-helpful Dallas phone number displayed in error messages.

As someone else posted - AFWATISAF (A fool with a tool is still a fool).
6/29/2010 1:09 PM | Deron
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

You're anINDIOT! If you knew SQL Server at all you would see just how stupid most of your questions truly are!
8/9/2010 3:08 PM | Dude
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

LOL at first I was like WHAT?!

But then after thinking about it. I realize this was all satire.
8/18/2010 10:44 PM | dotNet Zombie
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# re: Top 10 Things I Hate About SQL Server

LOL, very confusing indeed for a beginner. I hate sql because it make it possible to update entire database like for wordpress in one command.
9/7/2010 1:53 PM | Neil
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