<b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b>

Sun Apr 25, 2004 by Derrick Leggett in b-rants-b

On one of the forums at SQLTeam.com, a “development manager“ claims they have found a database engine that supports the following:

1. Zero or near zero administration

2. One physical file for the database

3. Simple recovery procedures

4. Physical file protection while at rest and in transit

5. Acceptable performance

6. Scaleability

7. Small footprint

8. SQL engine that typically eliminates the need for a DBA.

9. SQL engine with one app supporting 50,000 connections to the database

10. The database is large (in the tetrabytes). --ummmm, okey-dokey. What's a tetrabyte? Will it catch falling blocks and rearrange them in mid-air also?

11. The database has an overall performance of around 30 times faster than engines such as MSSQL and Oracle. --WOW!!!!!!

12. The best of all is that many of these SQL engines run on Linux, Unix, VMS and Windows platforms, giving clients a choice. --blah,blah,blah

If anyone has ran across a database platform that supports the above “features”, please let me know ASAP. I would like to start using it immediately. (grin)

BTW, this "mistress of lies" works for www.eduadmin.com. Please feel free to visit the website and see screens of the wonderful application this intense development house creates requiring the magnificent database described above. She states she has been developing for over 30 years. What a wealth of incredibly useful lore.

Does this look like a terabyte size, high performance, super-duper, high-security database system to you? I think we can cry wolf on this one. If you do find any databases that meet the above specifications though, please let me know. I look forward to the hundreds of responses from vendors. (cough, cough)

Stupid people shouldn't lie. They are too stupid to make it coherent and believable.

Favorite words used: 8 (stupid, lie, coherent, super-duper, blah, WOW, okey-dokey, lore)

Mean level (1-10): 10 (Stupid people should be branded on their foreheads.)

Education level (1-10): 1 (It's possible someone learned something from this. The thousands of replies from vendors could exponentially increase level.)

Entertainment level (1-10): 6 (This is mildly entertaining if you have had to repeatedly endure those Dilbert moments at work.)

Respectfully and lovingly yours,

The MeanOldDBA

Legacy Comments


Enigma 2004-04-26	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mean level (1-10): 10 (Stupid people should be branded on their foreheads.) --------------------------------------------------------------------- I like this .. though I would give it a 15 on a scale of 1 to 10

x002548 2004-04-26	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> Entertainment level (1-10): 100 THANK YOU The biggest bunch of bull I've ever seen.... It's 1 of 2 things... Someone's playing everyone (for those who bit) OR (and here's the scary part, and most probably true) The 32 year old IT Director actually believes what they're being sold... There's a bridge in Brooklyn I can get you....cheap...

Tara 2004-04-26	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> I once worked on a rdbms that claimed to be dba-less. I've never worked so much on a system before! It's called Centura SQLBase (Brett knows all about it). Half my day was spent working on problems with this system, whether it be a corrupted database or simply not performing well due to the number of users accessing the system. It certainly kept me busy. I laughed (and cried) each time that I had to contact the vendor for help getting the database back online. The vendor would go to lunch and call me back a few hours later when our mission critical database was down. We had to escalate it through their chain of command just for help.

Bill Wilkinson 2004-04-26	Anybody see system requirements for product? I quote from the System Requirements page on eduadmin.com: EduAdmin runs on any system that meets the minimum system requirements of Microsoft Windows 95, 98 or NT. However, we recommend the following minimum configuration : IBM compatible machine, 586 or above Windows 95, 98 or NT with 32 Megabytes of RAM Minimum of 100 Megabytes free hard disk space Internet connection Note We are often asked whether EduAdmin will run on a 486 machine. The answer is that it WILL run on most 486 machines and has been known to run on a 486 machine with 16 MB Ram. However, the performance was not satisfactory and varied from module to module. 'nough said?

Michael 2004-04-27	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> Bill, At those specs, does your software have all of this security in it? Will it scale? Does the database get corrupted often? Is it Clarion?

Tara 2004-04-28	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> I don't think Bill works for Eduadmin. He was poking fun too (note the 'nough said part).

crazyjoe 2004-04-30	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> one word... ASSCLOWN

andrew 2004-07-09	re: <b>If you're going to lie, can you at least make it believable.</b> i love these snippets from their FAQ screens... "A fast, stable, reliable network with a powerful, dedicated server and well-trained staff. An IT administrator at your institution is also essential"....but is this system not a ZERO-administration system???? and "EduAdmin Supports Intelligent Life"? ......mmmmmmmm....Charles Darwin must be shaking in his grave.