Most Valuable Yak (Rob Volk) Blog

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PASS Summit Speaker Idol 2018: Part 1: The Lyrics & Video!


I was once again selected to participate in Speaker Idol at PASS Summit, and I advanced to the final! Many thanks to PASS for providing the Speaker Idol sessions, and even more thanks to Denny Cherry for originating, arranging and hosting the event for all these years.

I did a new presentation this year, “A Modern SQL Server DBA”. It contained an interesting musical component that the audience and judges seemed to enjoy. :)

You can see and hear my rendition on Youtube:

A Modern SQL Server DBA

I am the very model of a SQL Server DBA,
I store my databases on a Level 0 RAID array
Consisting of some SSDs I got as sponsor giveaways
At user groups and seminars and several SQL Saturdays
I’ve indexed every column in my Sharepoint content database
I’m undisputed master of the Maintenance Plan interface
I prefix stored procedures with the standard SP underscore
I keep Page Life Expectancy at five and not a minute more!
A SAN snapshot is really all the backup you would ever need
(I back up to DISK = NUL in order to gain extra speed!)
I slavishly apply all the advice I get from DTA
I am the very model of a SQL Server DBA!

Developers all tell me I’m a luddite and a bit cuckoo:
“There’s nothing wrong with UDFs embedded in a nested view!”
(Containing joins from Table1 all down through Table32…
Their query plans are mated with Cthulhu & Medusa - EWWW!)
I came in second place for Redgate’s DBA Exceptional
You’d think they’d listen to me but instead they tell me go to hell
My junior DBAs all think I’ve got a screw loose in my head
For every database they shrink Paul Randal kills a kitten dead
There’s no constraints, no indexes, no sense of data_purity
And everyone’s a sysadmin, there’s nothing like security
I can’t convince these idiots they should no longer use sa
I am the very model of a SQL Server DBA!

My client’s tables glorify First Normal Form inelegance
And serve for both OLTP and all Business Intelligence
They manage this astounding feat, though not particularly well
By storing JSON data in a column typed as XML
Why do they think that suddenly I’d be all nice and motherly?
They hate it when they can’t set tempdb to full recovery
Their use of cursors will make you suspect their genealogy
The NOLOCK hint encompasses their tuning methodology
Some folks I talk to everyday should get hit with a baseball bat
Instead I charge them twice as much while wearing my consultant’s hat
My antiquated tendencies will cause my clients great dismay
I am the very model of a SQL Server DBA!